This morning as I was getting ready and picking out the boys clothes for school today I was rushing around and all the sudden I stopped and looked over at them. Both of them sitting in their little leather chair, together in 1 chair. Drinking their chocolate milk watching transformers. It was quite and that is what caught my attention, when it is quiet all hell is breaking loose somewhere in the house. They were both so angelic looking and as I leaned against the doorway I thought to myself what a wonderful life I have. I soaked in these rare moments where both of them are quiet and the love they have for one another is strong. Most moments in my life with them are complaints of more chocolate milk, Noah’s stinky, momma, I’m hungry, can we go to the candy shop, Noah is getting my stuff, tell him not to touch it…. then Noah gets mad, I don’t want to wear clothes, tell him to stay away from my Ninja Turtle Lair it’s expensible (as Beck says expensive). All of these moments are beautiful even the ones where I hear for the 80th time he’s touching my stuff!! They are beautiful and fleeting.
Years from now the lost chocolate milks that have been hidden under a bed for 3 weeks will be gone, the moments of both boys sitting in the same small chair watching cartoons gone, and momma Noah has a stinky really gone. Of course it will change over the years to fights for the front seat, sitting and watching football together, and I’m sure with two teenage boys somebody will be stinky in some sort of way. The years will pass and things will change the boys will grow older and need me less. It will be a happy and sad moment in my life. I will be able to sleep all the way through the night, I will not have bedtime routines, babysitters, bottles and sippy cups, I won’t have car seats and toys to step on in the middle of the night. I will have time for myself and my husband. We will have time together for once. I can paint and do more pottery, I can actually take a long shower, enjoy my supper and not rush it, read a good book, get my nails done, go to the movies and the list goes on….I am excited about all those moments but I am actually saddened by them. I will be on the back burner, they will no longer need mommy like they do now. They will be off enjoying their lives and hopefully not forget about me. I want to be off enjoying life with them. I want to go eat dinners and have a glass of wine over laughs. I want to take them to New Orleans and show them my favorite cities. I want them to want me there. Just like I want my parents there.
So for now I will make chocolate milk hour after hour, break up fights, listen to the laughs and shrill little voices and tuck them in at night, knowing this isn’t for long. Someday they won’t need me but maybe they will want me. Maybe they will enjoy my company and love to hang out with me as much as I will them. Maybe instead of wiping their sticky face after dinner, tucking them in and giving them hugs and kisses, I can have dinners on the screened in porch with hugs and kisses when they leave. Maybe just maybe they will be my friends just like my mom is mine.
My life had meaning before the boys but now my life IS the boys. Where will I go once they move on? What will I do? I have to give up this new self I have created. This person who takes care of everything and everyone. What will my energy go to?? Back to my art I suppose. I am not worried because I know the next phase of my life is already figured out, God has his plans for me.
No matter how tired and worn out I am I couldn’t picture my life any other way. I will enjoy and treasure every moment I can because it will soon be gone.